Oliver James Montgomery-To parents of kids with anxiety: Here's what we wish you knew

Dear parents,Oliver James Montgomery 

I have navigated anxiety for as long as I can remember, going back to not being able to raise my hand to talk in preschool. I would get stomach aches or feel my heart racing, but I didn’t know why. These feelings escalated until, at 12 years old, I went to therapy, allowing me to learn coping skills. Now that I’m 17, I realize many of my peers felt just like me. 

Your child may be struggling with anxiety, as 32% of teens have anxiety disorder. It is hard to see your child suffer and not know what to do. You want to help but your instincts may be making their anxiety worse. 

As a person who has suffered from anxiety for many years without knowing what was going on, these are the questions that I wish my parents would have asked from the beginning. 

Am I seeing symptoms of a physical or mental health problem? 

You want to be able to help your child in tangible ways, especially when they are hurting. Your immediate reaction is to take the pain away. But what if your child isn't simply experiencing physical pain? What if there is a deeper issue going on?

Anxiety can “read” like a lot of other problems, and if you’re not looking closely, you might miss the big picture.  

Anxiety often shows up in physical ways such as heart racing, upset stomach and headaches. Looking at these symptoms through an anxiety lens will allow you to tune in to what is really going on with your child. I know about this firsthand.  

I was kicked off a flight due to the physical effects (nausea, elevated heart rate) of a panic attack. The pilot mistakenly thought I was sick and deemed me not “fit to fly,” stranding me away from home halfway around the world. My mom and I had to find a doctor in another country, who wrote a note to show the airlines that I was OK to fly. I was finally able to come home. 

Anxiety can be deceiving. Without even realizing it, you could be treating the symptom and not the cause.

So take time to talk with your teen, not only about what they are feeling in their body but the circumstances that caused the onset of symptoms. Once you've identified the root cause, you will truly be able to provide the support they need.

What are the signs of anxiety in a child?

Teenagers with anxiety disorders often experience different “symptoms,” but they also present unusual or uncharacteristic behaviors. Anxiety doesn’t look the same in everyone. 

If you notice your child, for example, not being able to go out and see friends or participate in certain afterschool activities like they used to, this may be a red flag. Are you seeing that when they talk to others it causes negative self-talk? Or maybe your child is underperforming in school because anxiety paralyzes them as they pick up a pen to take a test.

Being a teen can be tough because there is so much pressure to fit in. Anxiety exacerbates this feeling of pressure. 

Kids are in a mental health crisis.We need real resources – not culture wars.

Often, parents ask, “When are you going out?” or “Why aren’t you going to that?” This constant interrogation does not help! Instead, make it clear that it’s OK to stay home sometimes.

Maybe your child wants to crash on the couch with you and watch a fun movie. Or maybe they need to be alone listening to music, so that they can take a mental health break. That’s OK.

Am I telling my child to 'do their best' when they already are? 

You might see “Just try your best” as an encouraging statement geared toward pushing your child to do better in all areas of life. However, “the best” can be both extremely hard to achieve and highly subjective. 

High school is, by nature, very competitive. Everyone is competing to be the best, to present the best version of themselves to the world. The model of the best in high school is valedictorian, 1600 SAT score and captain of a sports team. While that might not be everyone's goal, it is hard not to compare yourself to that ideal. 

A teacher's view:I don't teach at a 'top' high school. But those rankings fail our students.

Anxiety makes everything feel more intense. If your child feels their best is unspectacular in comparison with those around them, it will only increase their anxiety level.

Your child’s best might be running around the block, not running for school president. However, if they weigh every success or failure against what they think your scale of “the best” is, they could be stuck in a relentless cycle of self-doubt and negative self-talk.

How do I help my child cope with anxiety? Create space for open, honest conversation.

Talking about anxiety and mental health issues with anyone is difficult to do, even with close friends. And while many teens may not want to have a conversation about how they’re feeling with their parents, you are their safe space.

You create the relational weather patterns in your home. Although this dynamic shifts as your child becomes a teen, the core connections remain the same. You are their safe space at home. Therefore, it means a lot when you make time and space for them to talk about their feelings.  

As a parent, it’s your job to persist in creating conversations around the topic of anxiety in your home, which you can do in simple, everyday ways like sharing how you are feeling. 

Think, “I’m nervous about my work meeting today.” Or, ask in an open-ended way, “How are you feeling about your speech in English class?”

It doesn’t need to be over-considered. You just need to provide a little space for connection without judgment.  

It was hard for me to talk to my parents regularly, but the opportunities when I didn’t need to make eye contact made it easier. Riding in the car or lying in bed before falling asleep were good windows for connection.  

Anxiety will be an ongoing part of my life. However, over the past five years, I have learned tools to cope when I am feeling anxious. I can manage it in my day-to-day life and get through situations where I have heightened anxiety. 

My parents have also come a long way in helping me. They now know how to coach me through panic attacks. Our relationship has grown and our family has gotten closer as they developed a better understanding of my anxiety.

To get this message across, I wrote a children’s book titled "Frankie’s Fishy Feelings," which works to not only help kids through their anxious moments but also help them realize that everyone has a little bit of this feeling inside them. I hope you check it out and pass it on to someone in your life who is early on in the journey of dealing with anxiety. 

Quincy Kadin is a high school student from Los Angeles. She is the author of a new children’s book, "Frankie’s Fishy Feelings."